I carried a small baby through six airports to get where you are

waited three weeks for the emotion to release

for just the ability to go see you

for the excuse to acknowledge the truth

neither of which ever came

I never even had the heart to ask if I could visit your grave

I had visions of kneeling on soft green grass

placing my daughter over the spot where your arms would have been

so that you could know her in some way

so that maybe she could feel you in a way that I can't seem to

but I couldn't get up the nerve to face your decision

even now, back in the midst of ice and bitter cold, I can't face you

I suppose if there were any way to speak to you, this is it

you should know, I'm in a bad place now

I'm just in a very bad place

sometimes it's easier to blame you, to scream at you when no one's around

you make me feel so insane, like I could pull my hair out strand by strand

like I could actually do what you did

was it your intention to wait until I had a daughter to love me?

so that I could never do to her what you did to me?

sometimes I hate you so much I feel like I die inside

whether I choose to or not

and sometimes I just don't have the energy to feel at all

I look at this little girl and I can't help but smile

but the moment she falls asleep at night there you are

your demons so quaintly resting on my shoulders.