"Pour, oh pour, the pie rate Aunt

When William was a little lad

Oh, better far to live and eat

. . . I am now a pie rate queen!"

Oh! false ingredients, you have

deceiv'd me - including MSG;

Stop, old lady, pray - Oh, is there

not one mince pie? What ought we

dough? (past tense of do); How

beautifully blue the berries; Stay,

we must not lose our appetities!;

Here's a first-rate pie to get in the

face with impurity; Hold ye Aunt!

Oh, pie crust of dark and dismal

fate; I'm telling a dessert story;

Hail, Pastry; Oh, happy day, with

joyous eat; Pray observe the feast!"

~Intermission~

Act II

"Oh, cool the glist'ning crust; Then

William Penn, let your waist out;

When the buyer bares money steel;

Now the pie rates soar!; When you

had let our competition fold; Away,

away! My heart burn's on fire! All

antacids prepar'd; your gallant kitchen

crew await you; Eat, William, eat; Oh,

here is love of pies, and here is truth;

No, I'll be brave, won't eat in-between

meals; Though now chunky in body

and mind; When the buyer bares his

money steel; Pie woman approach!;

When a price fixing felon's engaged in

raising pie rates; A rollicking band of

pie rates we have here; With cat like

tread, upon the unsuspecting public

we prey; Hush, hush, not a word, you

have the right to remain silent . . .

Sighing softly up the river; Now what

is this, and what is that? Prison and

prison stripes; William, where the hell

are you? Bring us our hacksaw in a

pumpkin pie!; With pie deceit we

escaped and triumphed!"

'2008 RLS