Contradictions

I woke up this morning by mid-afternoon

and stared at the sun as I looked at the moon

I went back to sleep as I got out of bed,

put the car in reverse and I drove straight ahead

and met up with a foreigner born in the states.

He's very creative but never creates.

They say I'm illiterate; that's what I've read

and I'm falling behind 'cause I'm way up ahead.

I saw an old friend who's a stranger to me.

The bravest of cowards you ever did see.

My bag was so full there was nothing inside

said an expert who's totally unqualified.

And my empty bucket is filled to the brim.

I can't stand the water but I love to swim.

And off in the distance right next to me here

I try to be genuinely insincere.

A blind woman said I was something to see

so I asked her politely, as rude as could be

can I interest you in a brand new antique

and offered to give the blind woman a peek.

We're always together unless we're apart,

and it seems like the end is a good place to start.

I can move very slowly especially quick.

I've been feeling so healthy it's making me sick.

I married my ex-wife right at our divorce,

that accident happened on purpose of course.

It made me so sad that I just had to laugh.

I won't sign my name but I'll give autographs

I even was telling the truth when I lied.

It made me so happy I broke down and cried

I never use curse words but I sure can swear.

I like to be here although I'm over there.

I posthumously read my own eulogy,

then buried my body and wept over me.

I don't get much done but I'm very prolific,

instructions I give can be vaguely specific.

I slowly went walking as fast as I could

then sat for a minute right there where I stood.

I stick to myself when I'm part of a team.

I whisper so loud people think it's a scream.

I'm normally strange, it's the way that I am

I love me some jelly but hate me some jam.

I give little effort but try very hard.

I tend to be sleeping when I'm standing guard.

I've always been good even when I've been bad.

I lost the best victory I ever had.

I do like to mingle when I am alone.

I love getting calls but don't answer my phone.

I never respond but I always reply.

I'm just a professional amateur guy.

The sun's in the sky, you can feel the moonlight,

and I'm starting my day so let's call it a night.