Free Gas

By H.J. Cruz

Now some may think these words unkind

Butt theirs a warning that I must unwind,

I have this um “ condition” you see

It happens with the slightest anxiety,

While I’m not the one to complain

I think it a natural resource my methane,

For there is no doubt within my view

 That I can fill a Goodyear blimp or two.

             But man if you think your life tuff

 Here’s a story with a little snuff.

Yes me an Eli May, out rollin in the hay,

She didn’t think it kinky; I bombed her with a stinky,

That’s right I farded, and she departed,

Oh crap I farded and we just started!

Now on a sealed bus to Anaheim,

 You would have thought it was a crime,

Because I tooted; they all uprooted

Oh yes I tooted because I’m rude’ed!

So while I’m walking down Park Place,

You wouldn’t believe the looks of disgrace,

When I had gassed e’m, I had harassed e’m,

Because I gassed e’m, yes “I” morassed e’m!

So now I’m headed to the forty fifth floor,

A crowded elevator, a tightly closed door,

Oh girl I blasted, and this on lasted,

Oh yes I blasted, I should have fasted!

The very next day at a friends barby-Q,

The beer, the brat’s; one just flew,

The crowd tried for a personal best,

What a sad affair to napalm the guest’s.

That’s right I farded, I’m so retarded,

Because I farded, their all departed!

So I scheduled an appointment with o’l Doc. Emery,

After probing my sphincter he yelled out “surgery!” 

“You need gastric bypass for that colon a spastic!”

“Are ya sure Doc. That sound so damb drastic!”

Then I let one fly, bringing tears to his eye,

Oh god I let on fly, practically staining his fancy necktie.

So now I’m headed way up north to Maine,

But within moments in the air on the plane,

The thundering sound of flatulence,

 Yet nothing was released from my pants,

The woman next to me named Mindy,

Who was the one who felt a bit windy.

But once the plane departed,

 we both sighed as we farded,

Oh yes, “We”Farded, as we departed,

And then…

 we laughed and farded again!

Hee haw!