The chicken sat in her coop listening to the cable news stories as she squirted out the prerequisite number of daily eggs that differentiated her current existence as egg producer from that of soup bait when she suddenly realized that the two paths were hopelessly intertwined and that the chicken feed had deteriorated so badly that the roosters had all gone fishing,

Taking with them their prized morning worm and since daylight savings time was upon them and there were no golden throats available to announce the new day the farmer overslept and missed the milkman who was supposed to pickup the day’s production of dairy goodness thereby effectively flushing his federal subsidy down the drain and knowing that the insurance company wouldn’t be duped a second time but then the chicken watched in horror while the first TV commercial of the day ended with the unfortunate moniker “Got Milk?”

Because she knew that the farmer now had plenty of milk on his hands and would be looking for those flakey bantams to account for their whereabouts at sunrise and be in a mood that would most likely result in the “chicken fajitas for a month club” while the fat feral cats lapped up the spoils of  the disaster knowing full well that there was nothing really wrong with the product and since the price was right had consumed it all to the last drop moaning in the end that the roosters themselves had let the cat out of the bag and concluded that the farmer needed to handle his duties in a more responsible manner,

Despite the fact that he had practiced time honored farmyard methods they demanded that he set aside an allotment of milk for that rainy day in the future that was certain to come but the farmer instead invested in an alarm clock thereby rendering the rooster’s morning call unnecessary and providing a small assurance that the feral fat cats would never again feast on the creamy failings of the rooster’s call and for that daring investment elected to reward himself with drumsticks much to the dismay of the chickens whose sole source of amusement now reeked of Colonel Sanders and more ominously,

Were left unattended and unprotected from the feral fat cats who made their way to the coop for chicken pot pie providing a third and even more hopelessly intertwined path for the chickens thereby contributing to a national egg shortage that would revitalize egg prices except that the farmer had eaten his start up capital and left the working capital to the pitfalls of barnyard politics missing the once in a lifetime opportunity to pay off his coop mortgage with egg derivatives and debt swap agreements which left him penniless and morbidly depressed,

So he jumped on his Toyota tractor to plow a row or two of corn for his failed ethanol contract when the throttle suddenly stuck wide open and he found himself racing through the field at 90 mph unable to stop until he plowed through his herd of prized bulls one flying carcass after another after another bringing the vehicle to a sudden grisly stop but creating a bonanza of steak tartare that even Hoss Cartwright would envy but not so the NHTSA who confiscated the tractor for evaluation,

Which brings me to the point that chickens usually have a bad day and fat feral cats usually have a good day and roosters usually end up in the frying pan but when it comes to any of the government agencies of your choosing the bull goes on and on and on.

Copyright 2010 Patrick Granfors