Dear Staff,
>
> Welcome back to the office on this 1st day of the year. Please be advised
> that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the
efficiency
> of our company.
>
> ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
> salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers &carrying a Gucci bag we
assume
> you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If
you
> dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you
may
> buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
> in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need
> a raise.
>
> PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are
> called Saturday &Sunday.
>
> LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more
> so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
> to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
> minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
> and take a diet pill.
>
> SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness.
> If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There
> is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
> minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall
> door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence,
your
> picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
> Offenders" category.
>
> SURGERY As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
> should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
> something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive
> employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
> complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
> allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be
> directed to the Unemployment Offices.
>
> Have a nice day. Human Resources Dept.