One night, a friend and I got overwhelmed
on three scary flicks--the "Nightmare on Elm
Street" ones, parts one, two AND three.  We watched one
after the other--I 'bout came undone.
Then she got the brainy idea:  "Let's go
to some haunted houses!"  I told her, "No."
(I don't do scary.)  "Awwww, c'mon, you scared?"
she asked.  (Darn straight.)  "I ain't goin' in there!"

"Whatsa matter you?" she teased, "You afraid?"
(Hell yeah!)  As I turned a much paler shade
of white--I looked like I was gonna faint
(I ain't goin' in there, I ain't, I ain't).
We arrived at this house, and we went in;
it was DARK, goosebumps popped up on my skin;
Ghosties and ghoulies moaned and screamed and yelled
which gave me the feeling I'd gone to hell.

Someone grabbed my foot; I screeched REALLY loud,
"LEGGO my leg!" which drew laughs from the crowd.
Then someone grabbed my glasses--"I CAN'T SEE!!
YOU HAD BEST GIVE MY GLASSES BACK TO ME!
OR SOMEONE HERE'S GONE BE MISSIN' A HAND
GIVE 'EM BACK RIGHT NOW--DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
*here you are* Glasses back where they belonged
and here I go, bump, bump, bumping along.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!   GEEZ a SPIDER gittim outta here
(If there's one thing I hate, spiders I fear)!!!!"
My friend thinks this is fun...I don't like her
(Almost as much as I hate those spiders).
Somebody tap...tap...taps...on my shoulder.
(Go 'way.)  I ignore, so they got bolder.
Tap...tap...tap...they are poking me again
(I'm gettin' mad...I'm gonna count to ten).

Tap...tap...tap...now they've gone and made me mad,
I turn around, gonna confront the cad.
Freddy Krueger is there, wavin' his claws
I'm frozen...paralyzed...I can't unthaw.
"How 'bout some surgery--how 'bout your back?"
That's when the fight or flight hormones attack
MRRRRRRRRRRRRROWW I'm outta there, mow down some kids
(I think in my pants there's some racing skids!).

I get out--my friend's rollin' on the floor
THAT'S WHY I AM NOT HER FRIEND ANY MORE.

(C) Karla Dorman, 2003.