I've worn this scar like a badge
of weakness
straight line down the front of me
I've nurtured it and fed it
done everything possible
to keep it large and prominent
as if it were you
and you were my child
and collectively we
were still together
if I could just keep it red and angry
then you were with me
if I could just hold the pain
I could hold you.

Tell me doctor
how do I break from this mold
this psychosomatic cycle of pain
that you say I'm conditioned to feel?
how do I stop the onslaught of
rage, anger, jealousy, hurt, heartache
conditioned pain
learned suffering
I'm ready to unlearn
ready to forget what it is
to love this heartbreak
to stop welcoming
the tears I never understood
I wanna look at his face
and feel nothing but smug indifference
he's done just that so easily
why can't I cut the lifeline too
tell me doctor
can you surgically remove my instability?

So I have this little blue monster
and she's really quite pretty, you see
she runs her tiny, delicate hands
down the scar over my chest and belly
opening it over and over again.
He loves her and for that
I must never release this death hold
on my conditioned pain.