So, the other day my wife said, “Honeee”.
“Aw chit”, I muttered to myself. “How
much is this going to cost?
She said, “I was thinking how nice it would
be if we had something to show how
much we loved each other”.
Hell, I thought the matching shirts
that drew all the pitiful looks
pretty well said we were stuck with
each other.

“Have you ever heard of an eternity ring? ”
Well, I put my clicker on pause and gave
her my undivided attention. “No dear, what
is an eternity ring? ” You know, like I really
wanted to know.

“It’s the latest thing. It’s a ring with
lots and lots of little bitty diamonds
(yea, the little bitty ones don’t cost much)
in a cluster and it’s a symbol of our
love for each other that will go on for
eternity.” (along with the payment)

Being a stupid male, I asked, “Is the
warranty over on the hernia causing
rock I gave you thirty five years ago? ”

Jasus H. Kahuna I got the same look
from her that I got from my little
puppy when I kicked him.
That look was quickly replaced by one
that suggested that by the next time
we had sex I would be hornier than
than a two-peckered billy goat.

Being a stupid male, I decided to
reason with her. You know, make sense.
I went through all the facts about
diamonds aren’t rare. It’s just because
De Beers hoards them and creates a
shortage. Stupid males never would
have bought diamonds if it wasn’t for
Marilyn Monroe and her bo..br.. baubles.
I told her diamonds are a bad investment
and you only get back half
of what you pay for them.
I told her the only thing they’re really
good for is to cut glass or drill a hole
in another diamond.

Well, after I got the, let’s be
logical male thing out my system
I told her, “Ok dear, go out and
buy yourself one. Just keep it less
than the equity in the house. Holy Shit,
here came those kicked puppy,
two-peckered billy goat looks again.

Well to make a long story short I
went out and got her the eternity ring.
You know what? Cubic zirconium
cost just a fraction of real diamonds.
Well, I’ll tell you, she was happier
than a pig in mud with that new ring.
Hell, I used some of the money I saved
and took her to a movie. From Here to Eternity.
Isn’t that poetic? And, I bought the big box
of popcorn.

You know what they say about the
best laid plans? The damned ring
didn’t fit right and when she threw
a bunch of popcorn in her mouth
she swallowed the ring.

Do you have any idea what stomach
acid does to cubic zirconium?
and
Do you realize how much that
freaking box of popcorn
ending up costing me?