Today I came to an understanding while watching a movie on TV where the preacher in the movie said "we may not always like what God asks of us, but we have to trust that it is the right thing.”
For a very long time now I have wished and dreamt of having my soul mate, that special man in my life to share our lives together. In recent years I have also asked God that if I am not to have that special someone, to be able to accept being alone the rest of my life.
Today I believe God has told me that I will never have that someone, that I will be alone the rest of my life. And, I sense that I have to go back to the normal work world to support myself and never be able to have/live my creative life. It makes me extremely sad at this moment, but I accept God's plan.
I remember when I was 11 years old…one day I was outside playing with friends in our driveway. The couple, who lived next door, was an older couple who never had children. I happen to look up at their house and suddenly “knew” I would never have any children. Being a child myself at that point I don’t think I felt sad, because I was too young to understand the implications. In my later adult years I realized that I would have no children to love, to care for me in my older years, no children or grandchildren to leave things too.
There have been times in my life when I felt I was about to die (literally). Not that I was sick or anything, just that I believed I was about to die. I am feeling that way again these last couple days. May be, the fact that I am getting my life organized, including my finances, means I am preparing to leave this world. I just pray that I get everything done so that my brother does not have a lot to do after I am gone. I want to save him any hassles. He has done so much for me, and others already.
I am not afraid to die, but I sure would prefer living for a good many more years yet…if I can do something worthwhile with my life.
