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Becoming Old 2/28/2012 10:25:48 PM
I saw a man pushing a cart, slowly toward one side and carefully found his way to one of the table. There, he waited for his food brought by his wife who was less weak but almost like him. I thought that they both knew what the other wanted. They both cared for one another. And being that, even though that they were weak relative to someone young they have each other to lean against.
I always thought what I would become when I grew old, when there was no one caring for me as much as there was no one I cared for. What if I had a sharp tongue to lash people with? What if all I thought was about me and my career? I would care for no one because I didn’t need them. I could stand on my two feet and if I could do that, I thus concluded that I did not need to solicit help.
I was neither the rudest man nor the cruelest. I was not your big bully. But when I was younger, I had a rude streak within me. I didn’t care for what my bosses say because I thought that I was doing things right. I would listen but that’s all. I was not after their good side. If I get fired, so be it. I cared for friends but they have to comply with my standards. I talk to people, generally if only talked to. I figured that when I do things my way, no one should be in my way. I try to avoid people who will use me because I didn’t intend to use them. I was fair but my fairness was cold. My humanness was not showing. My humanness sometimes showed in times of weakness or defeat. But ordinarily, I was stoic.
You know “Doc Martin”, that BBC show wherein Doc Martin was this rude doctor who outwardly didn’t care at all for almost everyone? Besides his rudeness, he has his innermost gentleness for people he truly cared for – Laura and his auntie. His voice becomes gentle, his manner becomes sublime. I saw myself like him. I truly cared for people but for the people close to me, I showed signs of greater respect and at times, love. People that aren’t that close to me will still get what they were due but that’s that.
But in my old age, when I will need the help of people, when I could not care for myself anymore, how will I manage? I don’t have anyone there to see if I am doing well or how I am surviving. There is no one to bring dinner to or anyone who will bring dinner. There is no one to lean against so that in the last tug of life, I can die securely…and happy.
The trials of my life had mellowed me out. These trials were difficult and every defeat I experienced made me realized that I will need someone, anyone who was willing to help. I just hope that it is not too late that the life I lived will had its just rewards. I hope that the efforts I invested in will somehow pay. I just can hope.
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