Talaq! Do you know what that word means? Well, neither do I; but I do know, thanks to an article in Saturday’s The Advocate, that under Sunni Islamic Law, if a husband says it three times, he has just divorced his wife. (The article doesn’t say anything about a wife’s being allowed to divorce her husband this easily, so I imagine it’s a privilege granted only to males under Islamic Law.)

According to the article, which cited a Friday report in the Al Watan newspaper, “A newly married husband in northwest Syria divorced his wife at their wedding reception after his new bride insulted him with a ‘donkey’ wedding song” (Advocate, 2008, p. 3A). The bride had selected the song “I Love You, My Little Donkey” to be played as the couple’s first wedding song. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the woman then sang the song aloud as she and her new husband were whirling about the dance floor in one another’s arms; and while whirling, she repeatedly called her beloved “a donkey.” The groom apparently didn’t like being called a donkey, so he marched over to the DJ and demanded that the DJ play something else. The DJ refused. After all, the bride had selected the song, and who was the DJ to ignore a new bride’s wishes. Not pleased with the DJ’s refusal, the groom then snatched the microphone from the DJ’s hand and shouted “Talaq” three times, thereby divorcing his new bride before the honeymoon had even begun.

After reading the article I started thinking, which hurt my head, but I kept right on thinking just the same; and after thinking a while, I came to a conclusion, which was that we needed to simplify the divorce process in this country. I don’t know about you, but I have been through a divorce, twice in fact, so I know from experience just how complicated, emotionally and physically exhausting, and financially draining one can be. So, again, in order to avoid all this hassle, we need to simplify the process. No more pricey lawyers. No more divorce court. No more haggling over who gets the kids; who gets the dog and/or cat (our cat is the Cat from Hell, so Chet could have him); who gets 90-year-old Aunt Betsy’s last year’s Christmas gift (a framed photograph of her toy poodle, Buffy, wearing a saliva-stained elf costume); or who gets to be the plaintiff while the other person is consigned to the role of defendant. Instead, I think whoever first shouts “Monkey Dust,” for want of a better word (I’m open to suggestions), should be the person who gets to keep everything, for that person has just declared himself or herself divorced from the other person.

Then again, the more I thought about it, which intensified my headache, the more I began to think such a “quickie” divorce might create a entirely different set of complications. For starters, every couple in America would be getting divorced on a daily basis.

I can just see it now: a husband gets upset because his wife wants him to mow the lawn instead of sitting on his behind, guzzling beer, and watching football, so he shouts, “Monkey Dust!” Or maybe a wife gets mad because her husband wants to sit on his behind, guzzle beer, and watch football instead of mowing the lawn, so she shouts, “Monkey Dust!” Furthermore, all over America, from sea to shining sea, couples would be trying to beat one another to the punch and shout “Monkey Dust” before the other person could get it out. Then, to complicate matters even further, whoever first shouted “Monkey Dust” might later regret it, especially the husband in the previous scenario when he realizes that he now has to hoist himself out of the recliner and waddle to the refrigerator to get his own beer during halftime instead of shouting, “Honey, how’s ‘bout bring me another Bud?”

So, if the party who had preempted the other party when it came to shouting “Monkey Dust” then decided to apologize, and the divorced party forgave the divorcing party, they would probably decide to remarry. But if they decided to remarry, it would mean another wedding, reception, and honeymoon. It would also mean that all the friends and relatives of the soon-to-be-newly-remarried couple would have to buy wedding gifts as well as attend another ceremony. And this would create unnecessary expenses and considerable aggravation for everyone involved, including Aunt Betsy (who loves weddings but always drinks too much champagne and then dances on the tables until she passes out in the corner); so, in the end, all things considered, maybe shouting “Monkey Dust” isn’t such a good idea after all.

Still, I think surely there’s a way to simplify divorce in this country. What about you? Got any ideas?

“‘Insulting’ Wedding Song Lead to Divorce.” The Advocate. Saturday, March 8, 2008. p. 3A.