“Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink,” or so says the narrator in Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s masterful poem “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.” The funny thing, however, is that most people today must feel the same way, even here in the real world, specifically right here in the good old USA. Water, water, everywhere, yet we haven’t a drop to drink. Well, that is unless it comes in a plastic bottle.  

“And just why is that the case?” you ask, looking puzzled.

It’s the case because why else would we Americans be spending a fortune each year on bottled water? 

“A fortune?” you echo. “Yeah, right.”

Yes, that is exactly right. After all, according to Doctor Gott’s column in Thursday’s The Advocate, my newspaper of choice, “Americans spent $11 billion on bottled water in 2006” (2008, p. 1E). And just think about it. If we spent $11 billion in 2006, don’t you think that amount has increased significantly, given it is now 2008? Heck, for all we know, the figure is now $15 billion or more. Who can say? I can’t, but what I can say is that I agree with Doctor Gott. Then again, I usually agree with Doctor Gott since, unlike most doctors, he actually makes sense. Plus, he is a staunch advocate of preventive medicine and also believes that high-priced drugs and even pricier invasive procedures should be avenues of last resort. But that’s another blog topic, so let’s get back to America’s consumption of bottled water.

I also agree with the good doctor’s contention that bottled water provides no advantages over plain old tap water. In fact, I think in some cases tap water is far better for us. As proof, did you know that a major water-bottling company recently found cleaning solvent in its water, but a little too late in my opinion, since shipments of the contaminated water had already been sold to consumers? (I’m not going to name the company since I don’t have the research to support this story. However, Chet told me about this event after he read an article at some site on the Internet, and, as we all know, the Internet is the vanguard of truth in today’s world, which means, ergo, the story must be true (I mean that facetiously, of course). Anyway, true story or not, the reality is that we have plenty of water that we can consume either for free or at very little expense. Instead, however, we choose to purchase water with fancy names like Opium Springs, Aquatic Liqueur, or Super Duper Dipperful of Water (I made those up), and the question is why.

You say, “I think it’s because—”

Look, that was a rhetorical question, which means you are not meant to answer it except perhaps in your head. So, as I was about to say before you so rudely interrupted, the question is why; and, of course, the answer is because we are gullible. Yes, that’s right. We are gullible, which is why when we see ads for fancy bottled water on television, in magazines, or in newspapers, we believe what the advertisers tell us. We believe that drinking bottled water is better for us because the water that comes in those bottles is purer and, therefore, safer. Of course, some people also believe that carrying around a bottle of water with a fancy label on it makes them appear more urbane (That means sophisticated). Yet others believe that bottled water is more thirst quenching than regular water. Yeah, right, I say to this latter group. In case you haven’t noticed, one type of water is just as wet as the other. Water is, after all, water; and regardless of whether it comes from a bottle, a faucet, or the sky, water will quench your thirst. So, with that in mind, save yourself some money and go stick your head under the faucet. Of course, if you want to appear a bit more sophisticated, you can always reuse one of those fancy plastic bottles you bought. Just fill it from the tap. Trust me, no one will ever know the difference.

Gott, P. “Bottled Water not Worth Cost.” The Advocate. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Thursday, August 07, 2008. p. 1E.