Guess what I learned tonight from a newsletter I received from the Mortimer Literary Agency. (Yes, I do occasionally read something other than The Advocate, my newspaper of choice.) What I learned is that Russell Brand, some British comedian of whom I have never heard, recently signed a 3-million-dollar deal with Harper Collins Worldwide for his yet-to-be-completed book.

“Okay,” you say. “So what?”

This is so what: After reading this newsletter, I began to wonder exactly why a book written by some celebrity’s is worth more than a book written by a non-celebrity, especially since, or so I would imagine, many celebrities lack the ability to compose a coherent sentence, let alone a paragraph or, heaven forbid, an entire book. Just look at Britney Spears. She wrote a book, didn’t she? Heck, I didn’t even know she knew how to spell? For that matter, can Britney even figure out how to activate Spell Check in her word-processing program? Does she, for that matter, even know how to turn on a computer? Not that any of those things really matter.

“Why doesn’t it matter?” you ask, curiosity now aroused.

Well, because, as of tonight (I am sure the numbers will be higher in the morning), when one types “Britney Spears” into Yahoo’s search engine, one gets 215 million hits. That’s a lot of hits. Yet, for comparison purposes, when one types “Carol Culver Rzadkiewicz” into that same Yahoo search engine, one gets merely 1,450 hits.L

Hmm, that’s certainly a disappointing number. Hold on a minute while I conduct a brief experiment. Go pour yourself another cup of coffee or light another cigarette. I’ll only be a sec.

Okay, I’m back. Are you ready for the results of my experiment?

“Not really,” you say. “But I’m sure you’re going to bore us with them anyway.”

That’s right; I certainly am. And here’s what I learned through scientific inquiry:

If one types simply “Carol Rzadkiewicz” into Yahoo’s search engine, one gets 2,040 hits, which is 590 additional hits beyond what one gets with “Carol Culver Rzadkiewicz” (Unlike Britney I can also use a calculator). But get this: if one types “Carol Culver” into that same search engine, one gets 1,250,000 hits. Now that’s an impressive number. Of course, the reason why one gets so many hits is obvious: I’m not the only female child who was ever named “Carol” by parents with the surname of “Culver.” In fact, there are a lot of Carol Culvers running around over this planet (Scary thought, huh?), one of whom is a popular romance writer and, for all I know, my doppelganger (evil twin).

Hmm, then again, as I sit here typing this blog entry, I have just experienced an epiphany, also known as a moment of supreme insight. What if—just what if—from now on, I were to use my maiden name for writing purposes instead of my married name? If I did, then when people conducted an online search for this romance writer, they would confuse the two of us and purchase my book instead of hers, even if that purchase were purely coincidental and ultimately an accident. But, wait, I have a better idea: I’ll just change my name to Britney Spears then people will line up around the block at Barnes & Noble to purchase my books.

“And just what on earth is your point?” you ask. 

Heck if I know. I just felt like writing a blog tonight, and I fear this is what you get.