Nostradamus had nothing on me. "No sir re bobtailed bull," as my daddy used to say. In fact, I have decided that I must be psychic, well, either that or pretty darn good at guessing. Why? Well, it’s because I just looked back at my predictions for 2008, and, quite frankly, I am amazed that so many of them were proven accurate.

In case you’ve forgotten my predictions, which I’m sure you have, I will admit that a few were proven inaccurate, for example, that Jessica Simpson would shave her little dog’s head and Paris Hilton join the Salvation Army; however, the reality is that most were proven accurate, and those predictions for 2008 included the following:

1. We will see either our first African American President or our first female President.
2. African Americans will vote in record-breaking numbers.
3. Women will vote in record-breaking numbers.
4. Gas prices will continue to rise, oil companies will again post record-breaking profits, and consumers will continue to purchase gas-guzzling SUVs and 4 x 4 pickups. (Well, let’s say this prediction was half accurate, since prices did continue to rise before spiraling downward to new lows, and gas hogs did continue to sell, even when gas hit $4 a gallon, but then sales declined because wannabe buyers couldn’t get credit. Hmm, but oddly, oil companies still posted extremely high profits, so go figure)
5. The U.S. economy, which has been swirling around in the toilet, will finally go gurgling down the drain, plunging our country into another recession, this one worse than the last.
6. The Stock Market will take a nosedive unparalleled since Black Monday, October 28, 1929, when Wall Street crashed; but the insiders will have sold all their stock so the ones who will lose everything will be you and me.
7. The housing market will continue its downward spiral, resulting in not only record-breaking foreclosures and bankruptcies but also thousands of unemployed real estate agents.
8. George W. Bush will go to his ranch in Crawford, Texas for several extended vacations, where he will bicycle and cut brush while Rome burns.
9. Britney Spears will get “buff” again.
10. Britney Spears will do something totally inane, yet flamboyant, after which television news viewers will be assailed with accounts of that behavior for approximately three weeks—that is, until Britney does something else totally inane, yet flamboyant.  
11. Jessica Simpson will appear in People, Star, and other tabloids, exposing parts of her body to the camera that most Americans, unless they are adolescent males, would prefer not to see.
12. The paparazzi will capture Kirstie Alley on film as she sits huddled in her car consuming double-cheeseburgers, fries, and apple pies at the local Burger Doodle.
13. Jennie Craig will fire Kirstie Alley.
14. Someone will dream up yet another fad diet, write a book about it, hawk it on Oprah and the Montel Williams Show, after which the diet will sweep the nation then fade into oblivion, leaving in its wake millions of still overweight Americans.

Now, I ask you: Isn’t that list quite impressive in terms of accuracy? And since that is the case, I have decided to provide you with . . . drum roll, please . . . Carol’s Predictions for 2009:

1. Gas prices will once again increase, making the $4-per-gallon of mid-2008 seem cheap by comparison.
2. Toyota will develop a vehicle that runs entirely on steam.
3. The economy will remain in an ever-deepening recession, although Washington will avoid the term “depression,” just like it did the term “recession,” until President Obama gives Congress a bop upside its collective head and says, “Wake up and smell the coffee.”
4. And speaking of coffee, the many companies filing for bankruptcy will include Starbucks because no one will any longer be able or willing to pay $5 for a cup of coffee.
5. The publishing industry will continue to disintegrate, with many major publishing houses, magazines, and newspapers closing their doors, since people will be unwilling—as well as unable—to pay for reading material they can get on the Web for free.
6. At least one major automaker will collapse, resulting in record-breaking unemployment.
7. The number of unemployed in this country will parallel that of the Great Depression.
8. Airplanes will begin charging not only for soft drinks, pillows, and potato chips, but also restroom privileges and water.
9. Banks will go through the 700-billion Bailout without accounting for how even one cent was spent because no one in Washington thought to include an accountability clause.
10. CEOs of said banks will receive astronomical salaries and perks, even though stockholders have watched their retirement accounts entirely disappear and lost the very shirts off their backs.
11. Hollywood will finally realize it can make movies far more cheaply by using animation than paying stars like Brad Pitt 10 million to pretend he’s someone he isn’t.
12. Pro-athletes will continue receiving astronomical salaries for tossing balls around, yelling at umpires, doing weird dances when they score, taking performance-enhancing drugs, and dousing coaches with Gatorade.
13. Anyone who has any money left in his or her retirement account by mid-March will finally come to his or her senses, withdraw the money, and stuff it in a mattress.
14. The housing and real estate industries will continue to spiral downward, which will result in more and more builders going bankrupt, existing homes losing so much value they become worth merely a fraction of what homeowners paid for them, and wealthy land speculators (think Ted Turner) buying up enough land to start their own countries.
15. North Korea will continue its nuclear-arms program.
16. Russia will continue its nuclear-arms program.
17. American will continue its nuclear-arms program.
18. As a result of 15-17, this planet will teeter on the verge of World War III.
19. There will be a major earthquake in the Western half of the United States (I can’t make out the exact state in my crystal ball, but it’s not California).
20. A meteor the size of Texas will narrowly miss colliding with Earth, zooming by so close that it raises the temperature in Antarctica by 50 degrees in 15 minutes, melts what remains of the icecaps there, and causes worldwide flooding.
21.  Everyone remotely associated with the media will lie awake at night, trying his or her best to find something—anything—about President Barack Obama to criticize, ridicule, or satirize; but since the effort will prove futile, the media will instead turn their attention to lampooning everyone and everything even remotely connected to the new administration, including the dog the Obama children eventually choose to share their new home. 
22. George Bush will retire to Texas, where he will begin penning his memoirs, rewriting history in the process. 
23. Sarah Palin will not go away. She will, in fact, remain in the public eye for a long, long, long time, during which she will appear on every daytime and nighttime talk-show, some more than once; write her memoirs, tentatively titled How I Went from Beauty Contestant to VP Candidate; endorse guns and ammo for Remington; model camouflage fashions for Outfitters; and endorse a new line of Revlon beauty and healthcare products in collaboration with Joe the Plumber.
24. Mattel will simultaneously release Joe the Plumber and Sarah the Moose Slayer action figures.
25. Sarah Palin will offer to provide Michelle Obama with fashion advice.
26. Michelle Obama will politely decline Sarah Palin’s offer.
27. Fifteen named hurricanes will form in the Atlantic; six will enter the Gulf of Mexico; and one of those, most likely named “Sarah,” will damage the roof on our house.  
28. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson will all shave their little dogs’ heads.  

And so there they are, Carol’s Predictions for 2009. Happy New Year!