This evening I noticed something for the first time, something really, really interesting, as well as more than a little spooky. When I click on the link to check the traffic for my website, at the top of the page, a message says, “Your Live Visitor Stats.” Hmm, does that mean only visits by living, breathing, functioning human beings are recorded, while visits by non-breathing, non-living, non-functioning human beings are ignored? In other words, why doesn’t the site provide me with the option of viewing “Your Dead Visitor Stats”? Who knows, but if the little boy in The Sixth Sense is right, then the dead are walking among us; and if they are walking, then surely they are doing other things, like hiding television remote controls; sneaking into laundry rooms to steal one of a matching pair of socks; and, yes, surfing the World Wide Web. Why else, I ask, would my website provide me with “Live Visitor Stats”? Then again, perhaps whoever designed the web-hosting system I utilize simply wasn’t thinking when he or she put that Totally Inane Message there at the top of the page to provide me with inspiration for this blog.

And speaking of Totally Inane Messages, today I was shopping at Walmart, which as you may or may not know, used to be Wal-Mart, with a dash; but the chain recently deleted the dash from its name, probably in keeping with the facelift it’s been giving to all its stores; or maybe the dash was deleted in order to make some statement, although what that statement might be totally escapes me; then again, if I had to guess, if they were making a statement, it was probably somehow related to Obama’s winning the election and the corporate Big Wigs deciding that our President Elect is right, and it’s time for change.

Anyway, while shopping at the-store-formerly-known-as-Wal-Mart, I saw something else that was quite interesting, although not as spooky as what I saw on my website. It was a sticker on one of those bath sets that people buy when they can’t think of anything better to give someone at Christmas; you know the kind I mean; those sets that usually include bubble bath, bath oil, and/or bath salts; lotion; a bar of soap or perhaps bottle of liquid soap; and a big sponge, all packaged in some cute container like a velvet-lined-basket, ornately decorated tin, or small ceramic tub. Well, in the set to which I am referring, these particular bath products are vanilla-scented, with appropriate vanilla-themed pictures on each item; and on the package there is this big sticker that warns, “Do Not Eat.” Okay, let me ask you something: If you receive one of these gift sets from someone who couldn’t think of anything better to give you at Christmas, are you going to unwrap a bar of that vanilla-scented soap and bite off a big chunk? Are you going to turn up that vanilla-scented bubble bath and take a long swig, perhaps blowing more than a few bubbles in the process? Are you going to microwave that sponge and then enjoy it with a dollop of whipped cream? Of course, for all I know some people may consume bath products, and the makers of these gift sets have these folks in mind when they put such warnings on packages. 

Okay, and that brings me to the next Totally Inane Message, which is the one on my lawnmower. This one says, “Do not place hands or feet under mower while in operation.” Well, duh, just how stupid do the manufacturers of that lawnmower think I am? Do they really think I am going to crank my lawnmower then lie down and shove either my hands or feet—or all four appendages—up under it? Don’t they know my parents didn’t raise me to do dim-witted things like shove my hands and feet under a running lawnmower? Even I know that my lawnmower has a sharp blade up under its housing; and when my mower is running, that blade is spinning; and when spinning, that blade will chop not only grass but also sticks and even small trees into itty-bitty pieces. Plus, it will fling rocks through windows. On the other hand, since some people obviously consume vanilla-scented bath products, I guess the manufacturers realize a need for this kind of warning to prevent those folks from doing something considerably more reckless than gnawing on a bar of soap. 

Finally, when it comes to Totally Inane Messages, there are the signs I see on bridges and overpasses down here in Southwest Louisiana. These signs say, “Slippery In Icy Conditions.” Wait just a minute. This is Southwest Louisiana, where there are two seasons: Summer and January first. When does it ice down here? When, in fact, does it get cold enough even to come close to creating “icy conditions”? Chet and I have lived here for almost 14 years now, and during that time, I have seen all of two snowflakes and felt perhaps a dozen pellets of sleet; but that was merely a fluke of Mother Nature; and those flakes and pellets melted when the temperature soared to 78 in about 15 minutes because Mother Nature then realized she was off course and fanned the cold front northward toward Arkansas.