I have been grading student papers almost constantly for three days; and, as a result, my brain is now totally numb—perhaps it’s even dead—so instead of my usual rather long-winded discourse on the human condition, I have decided to share with you some choice bits of wisdom, all of which were passed down by my mama: 

1. Happiness is finding a hair in your biscuit. (I once asked Mama how on earth finding a hair in one’s biscuit could possibly make one happy. Her response: “Carol, if you made the biscuits and it’s your hair, at least you know no one else got the booby prize.”)
2. Black clothing attracts everything but men and money. (Granted, black clothing tends to attract lint and dandruff; however, I have news for my mama: I once had a tight, short black dress that attracted plenty of men, and had I been so inclined, I am sure it would have also attracted money.)
3. Never put a dime up your nose. (I learned the hard way that this bit of Mama wisdom contains much painful truth.)
4. Always wear nice underwear when you leave the house. (Mama said that it was important to impress the paramedics if one was ever in an accident. After all, it wouldn’t do to have them think one couldn’t afford decent underwear.)
5. Always take the Christmas tree down before New Year’s Day or else you’ll have bad luck for the entire New Year. (I am sure she said this because we always had a real tree and by the New Year, it was a fire waiting to happen.)
6. If you sweep the floor on New Year’s Day, they’ll carry a dead body out of the house by the end of the year. (I don’t whom Mama meant by “they” since she never explained; however, she certainly made me hesitant to sweep the floor on New Year’s Day; and, in fact, I never do sweep on New Year’s Day since I’m afraid to push my luck.)
7. If you frown and pout too much, your face will freeze that way. (I guess this is why we kids went around the house smiling like idiots all the time.)
8. Soap is cheap and water is free. (Not any longer, Mama)
9. If you go to bed on a full stomach, you’ll have nightmares. (I don’t know about this. I tend to have nightmares about giant burgers and mountains of French fries chasing me down dark alleyways if I go to bed on an empty stomach.)
10. If you let a boy French kiss you, you’ll get pregnant. (I actually believed this bit of wisdom when I was a teenager, so the first time a boy French kissed me, I went home and gargled with an entire bottle of Listerine. Only later did I learn that it took a bit more than a mere kiss—French or otherwise—to get one pregnant.) 
11. Eating dirt will make you wormy. (Well, maybe there’s some truth to this bit of wisdom. Although I hate to admit it, when I was a preschooler, I used to crawl under the house and eat dirt, and, sure enough, I got worms.)
12. A loaf of stale bread from your mama is better than a cheeseburger from a burglar. (Don’t ask me to explain because this is one bit or Mama wisdom I never really understood and still don’t even today.)