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Blogs by Karla Yazzolino
That's What I Think 6/13/2012 1:08:05 PM
Something I wrote a couple few years ago...I feel like this today!
God are you listening,
I’ve spent a summer watching people, little people and I’ve forgotten how trying and fatiguing it can be.
What’s on my mind? Lately, not much, or so it would seem except there is a lot that filters through my brain in a day.
Why do these kids argue so much? They fight over the remote, over who does “it” better (it being anything you could bring to mind that makes no sense), who is smarter, who can run faster, who knows math better, and it continues and continues. They bring toys and paraphernalia to the point of needing two backpacks; one would think they are homeless and have nowhere to keep their treasures but securely on them. My house ends up cluttered and disorganized because their treasures lie about unattended even though “prized” treasures. They kick off their shoes and, I swear throw them at either end of the house just to piss me off. They won’t finish food that is nutritious but if asked if they want a cookie they will always show their true colors and say yes. They miss the toilet when they pee and never wash their hands even though told to do so ever hour, the thought just never crosses their mind, ever. Cleaning up after there selves isn’t something they care to do and think really why should it be their issue to deal with.
I have anxiety and never a day goes by without me thinking, “what was that?”. I felt a pain in my chest, then another one right after, I’m I having a heart attack? It wasn’t exactly where my heart is, so is that good or bad does that mean something or not. It was right between my boobs so I’m thinking that might be good, right? Soon after the adrenaline rush I got from panicking I have to visit the powder room, and not soon after that untimely visit I get heart burn. So I ask what were the two pains about? Was it indigestion or heart problems? I don’t trust in my health at a daily level.
I stress that I’m too fat. I look down to my breasts and then a little further and-Whoa there is a protrusion of roundness that I believe is my stomach and oh my God I can’t believe I’m dealing with that. My legs now carry this jiggly weight around my knees that wasn’t there before and I can feel it move when I walk. When I look toward my backside I am reminded that I carry a shelf back there and hate that I have allowed this to happen. I hate it so much so that I get anxiety when I eat an unhealthy food item. I actually have trouble breathing while eating because I know this isn’t good for me and will add to the jiggly fat I have accumulated. And then ultimately a heart attack.
I cannot seem to get the energy to get up and move. I know that I should be doing this because for Christ sake that is what the body needs. But, no it is easier to sit on the couch or at the computer and do busy work, that is all about writing or finance. It is as if I take the easiest route. I find myself at my office most mornings working on home issues like the dental plan, the checkbook register, planning next month’s budget, organizing birthdays, etc. I am not out mowing the grass, pulling weeds, scooping poop, or walking the dog. I stress and worry I am lazy and uninspired.
I tend to go to the bank a lot. I even get teased about it, but I do go a lot. I get checks that filter in throughout my week because I babysit and get paid every week, and there is a bill I keep paying that I keep getting a re-imbursement check for every week (seems I should quit paying them money since they always send it back), I get a check from the work I do with graphics every couple of weeks, and I gotta go to the bank for all this. Then there is the money I earn from selling things on Craig’s List. So yeah, I go to the bank a lot. This in in of itself is problematic, because if I try to go to early, morning anxiety will get me and affect my driving and my breathing will suffer. If I’ve eaten the wrong type of food in the morning it will affect me and my driving.
Then there is the fact that if I have the baby this morning I have to take him and the other boy I watch and try to go inside the bank. No, no that will not do so I must then consider driving to the branch further away so I can use the drive through and not have to get out of the car!! This works but I waste more gas and have to be further away from home which causes me anxiety. Did I remember my water and my phone? Sometimes I forget my phone and then panic just a little because this is a crutch and without it I feel vulnerable. The water is also a crutch I am not sure why but feel I need to have it with me. Most times I push through it, but sometimes I turn around and go back for the phone and since I’m there will grab my water too.
Then there is the unfailing fact, at least in my bad opinion about myself, that I don’t do enough, pull my weight enough and this causes sadness and angst. I know a lot, do a lot, but am not a professional or a success at anything. I’ve written a book and no one seems to think this means anything. Members in my own family won’t even read it even though I’ve asked them too. They won’t go and post a review even though I’ve asked them to. I’ve written a children’s companion book too and it’s getting published, but who cares? My first book doesn’t generate any sales, and I equate success with the ability to earn money from it. I am proud of myself for the accomplishment of writing a book, but it falls flat with me when no one really cares…and no money comes in. I wanted so badly for it to be a success and that is not happening.
Are you still with me? This is still the same day.
I commiserate that I have so many pets. Why did I do this? They are a large brood of three dogs and three cats and exhaust me. If one isn’t throwing up the other is bringing in dead rodents. If one isn’t uprooting my flowers the other is puking on my carpet. Everyday there is an event that requires cleaning. Two of my dogs eat cat poop. Yuck. Policing that isn’t even funny. They all think I am the only one that feeds them, which is the truth really, but I wish it weren’t. If I am lucky they let me sleep in till 6:30 am. Most times they gather and stare at me beginning at 5:30 am. I can feel their beady eyes on me even while I sleep. They make mew mew noises and burrrp sounds so that I realize they are there and waiting. Sometimes they decide that my bed is the playground and use my legs as logs and careen over me while trying to get each other. While they find this great fun it irritates me to no end. I just want to sleep in till 7:30, is this asking too much?
Then there is the topic of dreaming. Good lord you would think I could escape my panic and drama whilst sleeping but no, the party continues at night in my subconscious brain. I escape disasters at every turn, I see my dead mother, my teeth fall out, I dream of my sister and she is usually haranguing me or disapproving of what I am doing, my brother shows up once in a while holier then thou and on a good night I fly. But, most of the time I am running from fiends with axes, or hiding from the boogie man.
I think about my sister a lot. This causes me some personal angst, because I would rather not give her so much access to my mind. She and I haven’t spoken in almost three years. I think she is a rat and she thinks I am Satan. I don’t believe her but I cannot seem to overcome the silence and her opinion of me. I miss her presence. I shouldn’t miss it, because it was never really true love with her. I think she has hated me for a few decades, and just tolerated me. When I feel this way why would I miss her?
I guess I just love her and can’t understand why she can’t just love me back.
Yes a day in the life of Karla is not so great. And each day I have these thoughts that make me wonder what the hell am I? Who the hell am I? Is my presence here really necessary? What great plan am I fulfilling? What level of consciousness am I not learning and will I be back to repeat my life in order to move on to a higher understanding of the mind and therefore getting closer to God and true spirituality where my body will no longer be required.
Hhmm… does anyone out there know and if so could you give me a call. God, are you listening?
