William F DeVault, click
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Blogs by William F DeVault
finding me 9/8/2004 9:24:46 AM
a meandering rumination on a few epiphanies...
"All truths are atomic. To test a statement, look for moving parts."
I always liked that one. Innes says it's the quote I'll be remembered for, even more than "the opinion of a single atheist does not disprove the existence of God" and the immortally ironic "A quote is but a tattoo on the tongue."
I think I finally figured out my "intuition". It's like when you have a low grade headache, so subtle you don't notice it unless you're looking for it, but it affects your mood. I first become aware to minor "moving parts" details and inconsistencies in the gestalt, in a subtle unease with the universe. I don't even know what direction the unease is, but just like a headache is always the sign of some underlying cause, like an allergy, eventually you come to notice that whenever you eat peanut butter, or smell violets, the headache you have only just become aware of intensifies.
Then you ask yourself..."What is it about violets, or peanut butter that is causing the headache?" The answer sometimes is obvious. Sometimes it is not. I am going to explore this talent and see what I can make of it.
Just a meandering thought I thought I'd share. I remember when the Panther came to visit me in LA...the night before she left she needed so badly to get the files I had found for her, so we emailed them to her home AOL account. The next day, she didn't call to let me know she'd made it home safely, or to wake me up in time for the all important meeting I had endangered my career being late to by waiting to put her on her plane. But she did download the files, then wouldn't answer her phone.
I've come to realize that when I lie, it is trying to defend myself, sometimes reactively, but sometimes even proactively to avoid a perceived threat. I have to learn to be fearless again. "There was a season when I was stronger/when days lasted longer and winds filled my sails..." Children are fearless, because they have not yet beeen hurt. Adults become fearless because they choose to not care what happens to them. There is something perversely profound in all of this.
I am finding that right now, I am the only person I can depend on, and I am learning to trust myself, and my talents.
