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Blogs by William F DeVault
I'm back 2/3/2005 3:57:27 AM
For three hours last night I taught writing skills. Class went well, nice group...bright, motivated and engaging. Weird aside...all three of the classes I am teaching have only a single male student!
When I got home, she had called. I called back. She proceeded to grill me on the status of things I had been working on for her (note, these are charities, not jobs). I gave her the frame then volunteered to cal her back tomorrow with an update, she said she would be unavailable (her girlfriend is coming up, who probably does not even know we still talk).
Suddenly, the conversation grew strained and she accused me of disapproving of her. Sigh. I disapprove of not being able to deliver updates, it's the old project manager in me. Too many deadlines and opportunities have been lost while I labour in the shadows and she plays in the sunshine, then grows upset that she missed her goals.
Anyway, it devolved from there to her ticking off a list of promises and obligations on my part. The vast majority being either delusional on her part or offers of help on mine that obviously have been recorded for future reference.
That's it. The charity ends here. This is my rubicon. And, I cross it willingly. I have burned too many bridges, alienated too many friends, given up too many jobs and opportunities. None of these I regret, but as Thor when he drank from the bottomless cup, I had grown perplexed at this endless well of parasitism. It is painful to walk away, humorous in that she has already told those around her that I am out of her life, while I spend many hours a week being her assistant, her counselor and her wingman.
I am tired of the lies. Tired of the never ending deceit that then I am judged for, when I have not been the source or the motive force of it. I cannot be Messiah to this lost tribe. I am not God, I do not have infinite patience, infinite love, infinite resources. I am tapped out. Shoving the spike deeper only angers me, it gains no more wine, only bile and pain. Pain to fear, fear to anger, anger to action.
