I realize some folks are alone by choice, but some of us are alone through no fault of our own. We are the ones learning to cope with the feelings of loss, and lonliness. The situation is handled in many different ways, depending  on the individual I am sure. In my case I had warning that it would happen eventually. My husband was diagnosed with lukemia. For two years we struggled through various treatments in hopes of a cure, but in the end I had to give him up. He left me with a writing telling me how strong I was and that I was a survivor. What he didn't realize was, he was my stength. I was strong when he was there to back me up. He also told me not to let the kids run my life.  Those two thoughts instilled in me a defense and determination not to let anyone tell me what to do! Fortunatly my home and car were paid for and aside from the social security, I had a small monthly income from oil royalities, but I had been warned not to rely to heavily on that for security. Our savings were depleted and the rental properties we had purchased were morgaged. I was overwhelmed with the thought of being alone and having all the responsibility by myself.

But remembering the confidence he showed in me, to be able to handle my situation, I was determined not to let him down or ask for advice or help.

To my amazment within a month the eligible batchlors were gathering at the gate, offering condolences and sympathy and to be my best friend and more. I had not even had time to grieve. How easy it would have been to let someone take over all the responsibilities. 

Then a ghost from my past knocked at my door. My former husband whom I had not seen in forty-two yrs was there. Strange as it may sound it was such a relief to have someone familiar calling on me I welcomed him with open arms. He saved me from dealing with all the would-be suiters!

As there was no animosity between us I turned to him in friendship which eventually turned into the love we had shared so many years before and we renewed the vows of the past. We had five years and then suddenly he was taken from me. In the blink of an eye, an unbelievable instant, his heart stopped. Once more I was alone.

Years before I had purchased a small country grocery store and had leased it out. Now I took the store and I worked. I opened at six in the morning and closed at eight in the evenings. My life was the store and the children, My friends were my customers. It was an everything store. We cooked and fed the cowboys who worked the ranches around us, the construction crews building houses or roads, I stayed busy til the pain of my loss passed.

I was on my feet fouteen hours a day, finally my knees gave out and I had surgery. I leased out the store and bought a house in town. Three years past and an odd incident happened and I met a man. He was a widower, retired military and had a farm twenty miles out from town. If you will read my short story "The Odd Box" you will know how we met. For two years we were friends. I liked him, remodeled his house for him, and enjoyed visiting his farm. We talked a lot. I think that was what I loved about him. I also though of him as a friend, but he was looking for a wife. I was not interested in marrying again, I just wanted a friend. When I told him no to marriage, he told me he had wasted two years courting me and he was too old to wait any longer to find a wife. Within two months he had married someone else.

I have wondered if I made a mistake. But I didn't love him as a wife should, so I think I was right not to make a commitment, but I have missed our long talks and friendship.

That was four or five years ago, and now through the internet I have met someone else. Actually he was married to a friend of mine. They were married fifty two years. He lives in another state far away. We have been writing back and forth for a year or more. When he suggested he might come and see me I panic. I wrote telling him several reasons why he should not want me as a companion. Why did I do that? I am lonely, I do care for him, why am I so afraid now? Because I am old, afraid of rejection, why do you think I did that!

If you read this I would like for you to tell me what you think, even what you think I should do. There is a place for comments listed after this. I thank you.