Sue Hess, click
here to update your pages on AuthorsDen!
Blogs by Sue Hess
Update 6/29/2005 6:04:12 PM
Of course, just what everyone needs...an update on the exciting life of Sue Hess...
That would be funny if it weren't so depressing. I wonder what right I have to assume anyone is interested, all the while I am typing away...maybe I just enjoy the sound of the keyboard, kind of like listening to the sound of one's own voice. Okay, if the keyboard is the sound of my voice, it could be worse...I can live with that. What I am having trouble living with at the moment seems to be similiar to survivor guilt. Or at least what I imagine survivor guilt to be. Deb left the rehab after two weeks and is now in jail for forgery...something I haven't asked too many questions about because it would do me no good to have the details. The guilt comes from her constant insistence that she would be able to stay clean if she just lived somewhere outside South St Louis, where every one, according to her, is a crackhead and just living to make sure she stays one also. Never mind that living with me would only put her in the next county, 10 minutes from the South side, or that my phone would make her even closer. Or that living with me has never changed her choices one iota in the past, only caused me so many problems, i shudder to think of them. The fact that I have trouble saying no to her is only part of the problem. The real truth of the matter is that she has no consideration for me at all, my wishes,my thoughts, my finances...all of this is unimportant as long as Deb gets what she wants. I went to see her yesterday at the jail, and not once did she ask how I was doing, how was work, was I doing okay on my ever on-going diet. Sure I could tell myself that it was because she could see I am keeping my weight down, work has been the same for the last twenty years etc but the truth is that she didn't care. I sat through a whole litany of her personal woes, the reasons for her poor choices, the way she was going to change this time...this particular stint in jail has made her see the light and her life will be totally different if she can just get out of South St Louis. When I pointed out that she was out when she was in the rehab and had a chance to be different...she asked why I am always so negative to her. She said...I wanted to see you so I would be happy and instead you want to criticize...I did point out that making her happy was no longer my goal in life but she just changed the subject to her goals...or wants is more like it. I am very discouraged right now but underlying all this is the DOUBT...I have a comfortable home, lots of food, a nice car...what if there is one chance that she would be okay if she lived with me...do I have a right to deny her that chance? So what if she will ruin my life again, isn't that what parents are supposed to put up with for thier children? Maybe so but this child is 40 years old and has proven time and time again that she will not have the smallest respect for me or my life if I allow her into it. A good example, the last time she spent the night with me, I explained on the way over that I did not want her to give out my phone number to anyone...all her friends are druggies and I don't want them to have access to my life. We were at my house for no more than two hours when the phone rang, a male voice asked for Deb...said she just rang him on his cell phone from this number...damned extensions...she was on the phone by my computer...didn't even hesitate to give out my number so her friend could call her back...we might as well have not had the conversation on the way to the house. I should have told her she had to leave right then but it was the day before Mother's Day and I really wanted her with me the next day.
God, listen to me...I question why anyone would be interested in my life then I proceed to dump it in your lap. If you managed to read past the first paragraph, thank you for the time...I need to get all this off my chest and blogs are so wonderful for this reason...
