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Blogs by Sue Hess
Who I am... 2/2/2005 1:22:38 PM
Not that anyone has asked but I felt like writing a bit about who I am and how I got here...I don't expect others to be interested but I felt the need to write it out.
For every action there is a reaction. That seems to be what life boils down to when you think about it; either you act or you react. I spent the earlier part of my life reacting to the actions of others before deciding that I would rather act, even if it is wrong, than to just be a product of my environment. Before that, if my mother said jump, I ran, if my father said don’t smoke, I lit up a cigarette. I was a bundle of negative reactions, never thinking things through, just doing the opposite of what was expected of me. I spent the first half of my life bouncing around without an original thought in my head, reacting to whatever life handed me, never making an attempt to control my own life.
I was close to thirty years old when I looked at my life one day and said I don’t want this and I can change it. Within a year, I had quit using drugs, and returned to my home town and family. Old habits are hard to break though and it was still another few years before I went back to college and began building a life that I felt comfortable with. During that time I made many mistakes, went through an unsuccessful marriage and several disastrous relationships, began drinking heavily and worked at several meaningless jobs. But I was seeing things more and more clearly and slowly making an attempt to take control of my life. One of the first steps was to quit making excuses for myself. All my life, I had used one excuse or another for things I did wrong. I was too young, I was too impressionable, and the sixties happened and were blamed for a whole multitude of sins. I moved from drugs to alcohol and used that as an excuse for damned relationships and problems with my children. I then used the relationships as an excuse to continue drinking. This was a biggie in my life and one that ended in September of 1990 when I set down the bottle and didn’t pick it up again. How and why? The real question is probably why then. As with most of my bad habits over the years, I always knew I would quit drinking eventually. I excel at quitting things…as soon as they become too big an inconvenience, I quit. I gave up drugs, its hard work being a user, you have to hustle too much to keep up a good habit, I gave up cigarettes because they were tiresome, having to stand outside in the cold to smoke…I gave up alcohol because it had become a bother, nothing serious had happened, no DUI or embarrassing happenings at a family reunion or anything like that…it just became too much of a crutch and I was beginning to see that I was never going to be in control of my life until I let go of the crutches.
By this time in my life, I had returned to college and gotten a degree in both business and programming, begun to work for a large medical system and had a home of my own instead of living with family or a significant other. This was the final major step for me in my effort to take over my own life and not one I push on other people or even advocate as an answer. I gave up relationships and became celibate. All my life, men had played a big part in what I did and did not do. I have been married several times and have had more relationships than I can count. That is not to mention those who could not be counted as even a relationship. And not one of them could really be said to have been healthy. After a while, one has to consider that the problem may not be the other party…I was the constant in this equation so chances are, the problem was with me. So I took time off to look things over. That was twelve or thirteen years ago and I am still looking things over. I seem to be happier this way. I have had several cyber relationships which were fun but of course, not serious, but my life is finally mine…I have no one to blame or pat on the back but myself. Am I lonely? Of course I am at times, I’m sure I would be if I were happily married. But for myself, I have found this is the way I want to live. I am no longer reacting to everything that comes along. I can finally say I am a woman of action. And who knows what the future has in store….
