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Blogs by Sue Hess
Struggling with Demons 4/21/2005 9:27:19 AM
Those of you who read my poetry may have already guessed, but I'm struggling these days...with myself and my various weaknesses
No it's not depression this time, as a matter of fact, that hasn't been an issue for quite a while now. And it's not drugs, I may be dumb at times but not that dumb. No the thing that has me worried is alcohol. I quit cold turkey fifteen years ago, haven't had a relapse since but my daughter moved in with me the year I quit and I had her and my grandson to thank for the strength I found in those early years. Then when she married and moved out, my sister moved in and though she doesn't really try to keep me from drinking....she might even have gotten some grim satisfaction from the fact that I was too weak to really quit...and that fact has kept me strong many times. So I haven't had a drink in all this time and contrary to the poem I just wrote, I really don't keep a bottle in front of me, I stay as far away from the stuff as I can get. And I'm a pretty strong person, so I won't tumble easily. But what about that cold lonely night when the hours stretch on forever and the chill just won't leave the air. Add to that, maybe, some bad news or new worry about my daughter and I wonder if I would still be strong. I never really dealt with my alcohol problem, I just set it down one day and never drank again. I quit everything that way, I'm a great quitter. As soon as something gets to be a big hassle, I quit. It was that way with drugs, it takes a lot of commitment to be a good drug addict, you have to be willing to work at it day and night and I just wasn't that committed. So the first time it inconvenienced me too much, I quit. The same with alcohol and cigarettes. I quit marriages in much the same way but thats a different blog entirely. Point is, I never really worked on what made me drink so much in the first place so how can I be sure it isn't still out there, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. I know AA believes in working through all this but I've never been a meetings sort of person. Just didn't make sense to me to go out and meet a few dozen more people with the same problem I have. I'm probably worrying about nothing and I'll be sitting around this time next year laughing at myself for worrying but what else do I have to do besides worry...another problem I should probably work on...huh?
