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Blogs by Sue Hess
and then it was Thursday... 8/25/2005 7:15:42 PM
I have this overwhelming urge/need to write lately.
Doesn't seem to matter what, I just need to see the words filling the page, my thoughts spreading themselves out across the computer screen. Maybe it's the contact, people at AD have become very important to me. Hard to believe that people you have never met can be your support group but there you go. I have lots of people close to me but I can't seem to talk lately, been spending a lot of time home alone, going to Susie's only once a week instead of several times a week, seeing my sister only on the weekends and I'm really not depressed, like I said in my earlier blog, I feel more alive than I have in some time but I just don't know what to say to people close to me, people who wonder how I'm holding up, whether I'm handling it okay. I don't want to say, yeah, I just picked up my only black dress from the cleaners, need to have it ready...God, how morbid is that. But it is true, I'm going about my normal life and all the time, making plans to attend a funeral soon. Sis and I are going to the Wisconsin Dells in October and we have to keep in mind that we may have to cancel at the last minute, it just looms over everything we do and say. I find it easier not to dwell on it if I'm alone. I can always fill up hours reading and writing, keeping my mind busy. Will it be easier when its all over? I don't know because I haven't dealt with much of this sort of grief in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've dealt with death many times over the years, but it has always been unexpected deaths...this waiting and knowing it is coming is an entirely different thing and I'm not sure what the aftermath will be. There were a few years back in the late sixties and early seventies, when Charles was in Viet Nam and I was doing the commune thing on the coast, when we were out of touch, but the rest of our lifes, we have seen each other at least once or twice a year, I always go there, to Alabama, my home town, either alone, with my grandson or my brother and stay for a week or so. The last few years, we've done a lot of fishing, since they flooded a lot of land down there and made a huge lake, where Charles kept his boat and a fishing camp. Or we'd go buy fish and have a fish fry, lying thru our teeth about catching it all...didn't matter it was all good. I just don't know what summers are going to be like without the trip to Alabama to think about. Its funny, I have plenty of other cousins, and Charles mom and sisters and two brothers all live in Red Bay, but I doubt I will ever go back. Charles is more than a cousin, he's that special person that my brother Jim and I bonded with as babies and there can't be anyone else like him. I guess I've rambled enough for one night...maybe sleep will come easy...
