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Blogs by Sue Hess
It's Hard for Me 3/23/2007 6:04:54 PM
Accepting my limitations I mean...
I'm a fixer, I want to make things right, pull things together, straighten out the problems...and I do my best. My parents can't drive anymore so I spend a great deal of time driving them around, trying to make their life easier. My older daughter is hopeless but I still try, hoping each time I pull her up she'll stay up. Susie, my youngest, doesn't require much upkeep but I'm always looking for some way to solve whatever minor problems she has. The hard part for me is accepting that I can't fix it. Anything. I can try and I can some times make things better but damnit, try as I might, I just can't really fix things. Mom still does without milk sometimes because I didn't know she needed to go to the store. Deb just will live her life her way, come hell or high water. The world just keeps muddling along without my input, without my glue and scotch tape. And you know what? It will keep on doing that too. Mom and Dad have three other kids who are just as capable as I am of caring for them. Deb isn't going to change until she is ready to change, and all of my HELP just does more harm than good. And Susie, God love her, will never balance her check book. It is really hard to accept but it will all continue on without much of a hitch, if I sat down tomorrow and took a day off. But I'm always afraid to, afraid that if I don't stay on top of things, they will fall apart. But you know what? I'm tired. Not physically, I have the world's easiest job. But I'm tired of feeling responsible, like something major will happen if I'm not here. And no one is doing that to me. I am the one who gave me that job with no vacation time. I am one terrible boss and I expect too much. And considering what a piss poor job I do of controlling things, I might as well take a break. Do I sound peeved? Like I'm feeling a little sorry for myself tonight? Guilty. But I need to get it out of my system and you all are so wonderful, you expect so little of me, I never feel like I let anyone down. So yes, I'm feeling put upon. Not by my family, not by life....but by me.
